some funnies from Alyssa

I was reading my journal and I came across some funny things from when Alyssa was 6...she had quite the vocabulary.

"Alyssa had just found out that Adam painted with her paints and something else terrible so she said, 'all sorts of destruction has come into my life!'"

"One day Alyssa said something very smart so Papa told her that some day she would be a genius. She said, when? Papa said, oh maybe when you're 8. Alyssa said, no that will just be the power of the Holy Ghost!"

ahhhhhhhhhh

Thank you Lisa for forever burning this image into my mind. Now I will pass it on so all of you can have nightmares.

I just yearbooked myself

http://yearbookyourself.com/

I just yearbooked myself...

The funniest one is the picture on the upper left because that really looks like my 9th grade photo. If I could find it and scan it you'd laugh.

to my homebirthing friends

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2008/11/oh-mama.html

I got this from Cakewrecks and it's dedicated to all my homebirthing friends

Oh, Mama!

Who's ready for some life-sized, potentially-nightmare-inducing, definitely traumatizing, yet fortuitously-censored CAKE? Hmm?

Settle down, now, all of you; there's enough here for everyone:

(Heh, you guys thought the FIRST censored Cake Wreck was bad...)

What's that? What do you mean, you all only want a piece of the little birthday cake? You can't ALL have that: who's going to eat the legs? The belly? The.. er...tracts of land? C'mon, you'll love it: mama's made of red velvet!*

:)

Here's an even "better" angle:


John would like me to point out that this cake has teeth. And there are so many things wrong with that statement, I don't even know where to begin.

Here's some good news, though: this wasn't for a baby shower! Yay! Nope, it was served at a birthing center event. As to why the "mom" has a cake in the tub with her, though - and in that particular spot - well, you got me. I'm just glad they didn't make it into an edible baby.
Also, I've heard of cakes sweating before, but this brings it to a while 'nother level. A really shiny, gross level.

I actually had this submitted twice, by both Gina & Jeanette E. Hey girls, I'm dying to know: did "mama" have any hair? I can't quite tell from the photos. (I mean on her HEAD, you sick people, you.)


* Ok, you got me: I don't actually know what kind of cake this was.

UPDATE: I too thought that they just left the "s" off "surprise" at first, but then it would have been "urprise", not "uprise". Unless they spelled it wrong, and THEN left the "s" off - hah, double wreck! Or, I suppose it could be the name of the center.

Or how about this one?

Naked Mohawk-Baby Carrot Jockeys

This cake is so disturbing, I'm almost glad the picture doesn't include the whole thing. The plastic clone babies wearing naught but mohawks are bad enough, but then they're also riding carrots. What do you do with that? It looks like some kind of perverted vegetable rodeo, or maybe a bizarre clone military exercise, what with their little plastic fists raised high in identical salutes.

And what kind of occasion calls for a "naked babies riding carrots" decor, anyway? No, wait, maybe I don't want to know...

a funny cake

Russ says that now I'm on a poop list with his family (gee, never been there before) and I should post something funny instead and forget those who seek offense in everything so here's a cake that's much worse than any cute funny cream cheese cake...
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2008/10/confessions-of-cake-wrecker.html

Confessions of a Cake Wrecker

Cake decorators are an interesting lot.

For example, some of them find this site absolutely hilarious...until they see their cake on it.* Others find the very concept of Cake Wrecks repugnant. Still others - and these are the ones I love - realize that Wrecks are a part of life and therefore nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, some of this rare, wonderful breed even submit their own cakes. Huzzah! That's the spirit! Why get cranky over a Wrecky creation when you can share it with us, generate some laughs, and be a proud Wrecker for the day?

With all of that said, today's Wreck comes from Alison, owner of Alison's Cakery in NC. Like most Wreck creators, she usually makes gorgeous cakes. She writes:

"I was asked to make a baby shower cake for a very non-traditional mother, [but] she had her baby 3 months premature. In a moment of brilliance (or insanity, or sleeplessness) I decided to make a 'surprise baby' just exited the mommy early, kind of like a new year's baby coming out of the cake. After a bit of time modeling I was pretty satisfied with my finished product."

And here it is:



[nodding] Very nice, very... er...hey...wait a second....can we zoom in?



AAAAAUUUGGGHH!!!

I've heard of losing your head over a pregnancy before, but your arms and legs, too?

Fortunately, Alison has more to say:
"I showed the cake to one of my associates, who said it looked like an alien bursting out of a decapitated mother's funereal body. Needless to say, this topper did not stay."

No, really, it's not that bad...

[checking photo again] Er, ok, yes it is.

Not to say that the alien-bursting-forth concept wasn't a good one, though. I mean, at least the mother's decapitated and dismembered torso has clothes on.

Alison, you just keep wrecking on with your bad self, girl. And bakers, I hope you've all learned a valuable lesson here today: submitting your own cakes to Cake Wrecks could get you free advertising. Oh, and always have an associate double-check your work. ;)

I'm an addict

OK, I have been looking at this blog for 2 hours! It's time to get on with my life...but first I have to share this post...

http://blogsofnote.blogspot.com/

Warning: there are a couple of questionable posts but even I am not offended at them because they look nothing like the real thing...

Here's one post from the blog that particularly caught my eye because it's a picture of the scary Christmas sandwich cake that we get to see every year at my MIL's house. It's made every single year and 2 people eat a slice of it, then the leftovers sit for a month or so till those same 2 people finish it up.
It has some sort of seafood filling, ham filling, and something else as well as some cheese in a bottle and cream cheese for the icing.
No offense meant to those dear, sweet family members who like this...gag, blech, yuck!

Edited to say...Here's where I'm copying and pasting a post from cake wrecks...in case anonymous thought that I had written this piece, I didn't...here follows cakewreck's words...not mine...

"Cake" Cruelty

Ladies and gentlemen of the cake community, I come to you today with a matter of grave concern to us all.

Allow me to present exhibit A:



These seemingly innocent "cakes" are instead a threat to all the sugary goodness we hold dear. Observe:


Once sliced, you will note that these "cakes" are not cakes at all. Instead, they are layers of various meat and mayo-based salads, bread, and then - here's the worst part - "iced" with cream cheese. Note how the creators of these twisted impostors then push the deception even further by decorating the "cakes" with little roses, vines, and piped borders.

I ask you, fellow carb-lovers, are we to allow such cake defamation to stand? Will we sit idly by while our children and grandchildren are subjected to cakes that are not cakes? And if so, what next? Liverwurst doughnuts? Tuna-filled eclairs? Meat pies? (Oh, wait...)

Nay, I say, nay! We shall rise up, and as one declare that our butter cream icing must remain unsullied, our baked goods pure in sugar. Join me, and together we can make our world a place of fat, sugar, and dairy-based products for all!

I'm here to rescue you!

Click for more detail on the picture...Govt man says, "I'm here to rescue you, Up up and away"

cerrect your spulling rrors

I don't usually pick on people's poor spelling (although I do cringe when I read it) but this one was just too funny...I do not claim perfection in the grammar and spelling area but my goodness...

This was sent on a homeschooling list telling mothers where to look for curriculum guidance.

"Often, People ask where do I start? Here is list that can help you asses just were your kids are at and what you feel they are lacking. It is just another one of my checklists."

I would suggest starting with the correct spelling of "assess" and "where" and the correct use of the preposition "at".

the best talent show

The evolution of wedding dance

This is so great...the evolution of wedding dance.
The first 30 seconds is boring so ffwd that part.

If you give a mom a muffin

This is from my friend from LDFR... If You Give a (Mormon Homeschooling) Mom a Muffin… She will want some orange juice to go with it. She will pour some orange juice into a glass, and go to put the pitcher in the fridge. When she turns around, the 7 year-old will be drinking the orange juice. She will say “Hey!”, startling the 7 year old who will spill the remaining orange juice on the table, chairs and floor. She will get two dishrags and teach the 7 year old how to properly clean up a spill. While she is wiping up the floor, the phone will ring. She will jump up to get the phone, knocking the back of her head on the table. The 4 year old will beat her to the phone (of course!) (The four year old does NOT take messages.) (of course.) While she is trying to get the phone from the 4 year old, the baby will begin screaming and the 6 year old will run and hide. She will pick up the baby as the 4 year old hangs up the phone. (of course.) She will begin searching for the 6 year old…in the linen closet…. She will find the stack of bills she has been looking for all week. (Huh? In the linen closet??) She will remember that the utility bill is due tomorrow and go looking for her checkbook. She will find that the 4 year old has dumped the entire contents of the purse onto the floor and is applying lip gloss to her eyebrows. She will go to the laundry room to fetch a diaper wipe, and will slip on the remaining orange juice. She will crash onto her rear and start the baby screaming again. The 6 year old will giggle from in hiding. (the pantry?) She will stand up, console the baby and head toward the laundry room for that diaper wipe. She will find the dryer door open (with her shin) and full of wet clothes. She will call the 10 year old to finish her chore. The 7 year old will show up asking for help with a math problem. The math problem is about hamburgers. She will remember that she is supposed to take dinner to the new mother down the street. She will get a pound of hamburger out of the freezer and look for her cookbook “101 Things to do with a pound of Hamburger”. She will step over the contents of her purse (where is the 4 year old now??), carefully side-step the orange juice, and start going through the recipe books. The phone will ring. Again. (of course…) The 4 year old will beat her to the phone (of course!) The 4 year old does not take messages (remember?) The baby will ”explode” in his diaper. The 6 year old will giggle again (the pantry?) She will side-step the orange juice, step over the contents of her purse, and head back to the laundry room to change the baby. Digging through the laundry basket for clean baby clothes will remind her that she is still wearing pajamas. She will strip to the skin and find clean clothes for Mom too… The doorbell will ring … (of course!) The 4 year old will beat her to the door (of course!) It is the neighbor girl selling girl scout cookies. She will send the 10-year old to sort through the contents of her purse for money to buy some Samoas. The 10 year old, the 7 year old, and the 4 year old all surface, asking to have some. She says “Yes” so she can get dressed in peace. The baby starts crying. She steps over the contents of her purse, side-steps the orange juice, walks around the cookie crumbs and collapses in the rocker to nurse. The phone rings. AGAIN! (of course!) The 4 year old beats her to the phone (of course!!) The 10 year old snatches the phone from the 4 year old and reports that it is Daddy. Daddy wants to know A) why the 4 year old has been answering the phone all morning and B) if she can scan and e-mail the important document he left on his desk. She will carry the nursing baby upstairs to find the document. The 4 year old has drawn a purple family on the important document. She will look for the white out. Looking for the white out will take her to her desk where there is a post-it screaming – “BOOK CLUB!! DON’T FORGET TREATS!!” (Why did she let the kids eat those Samoas, anyway??!!) She will head downstairs and gather all the children together and begin a lesson in “real life” math (aka doubling recipes). The 6 year old has finally appeared and is crying because he got no Samoas. She will go to the pantry for the sugar and flour. She will find the 4 year old eating sugar straight out of a #10 can and spilling most of it on the floor. She will lay the now-sleeping baby down and fetch the broom. She will sweep up the sugar!!! (YEAH!) She will get the purse contents off of the floor and head back to her desk to write a check to the utility company… (DOUBLE YEAH!!) (where were those bills again??) She will white out the purple family and scan and e-mail the document. (THREE JOBS DONE!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??) The baby will wake up. (Does 17 minutes even count as a nap??) She will taste the cookie dough that the 10 year old has taken charge of. Since it is only slightly too salty, she will put the first batch in the oven. She will look around at the flour, sugar, and chocolate chips all over the floor and decide it can stay there with the orange juice until after lunch. She will decide to start some read-aloud. The phone will ring (of course!) The 4 year old will beat her to the phone (of course!) (The 4 year old does not take messages, remember??) She will take the phone off the hook. The cell phone will ring. (It’s Dad’s ring) Dad wants to know A) why the house phone is busy and B) if she ever sent that e-mail. She will head back upstairs to try again. The doorbell will ring. (of course) It’s the neighbor. (She will remember she offered to watch the neighbor’s toddler for an hour) The neighbor asks if something is burning and will look skeptical about leaving her toddler. She will feed the first batch of cookies to the dog. She will put in a second batch and gather all the kids around for a good book. The baby will start screaming. She will ask the 10-year old to turn pages while she nurses and reads. The phone will ring. (HUH? – she thought it was off the hook) The four year old will beat her to the phone. Again. Of course. The 7 year old will wrestle the phone from the 4 year old. Did she try sending that e-mail again? (She will say a very mild swear word, but only in her head) She will head upstairs to e-mail the document. The neighbor’s toddler will scream. The 6 year old will run and hide. She will feed the second batch of cookies to the dog. (She will set the timer for the third batch.) She will head upstairs to email that stinking document. She will hear the cookie timer and race downstairs. She will see that it is already 2 O’closk. She will feed the kids cookies, dried apples and yogurt for lunch. And she will pour them some orange juice to go with it. While she is at it, she will pour herself a glass of orange juice and go look for that muffin….maybe it is in the linen closet….. -------------------- Yvonne Polar Star Studies www.realmomstudies.blogspot.com

A homeschool family

This is for the homeschool blogger school post...The kids made it up and now they want to do a video...You'll have to use your imagination first. It's based on the http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VM6uqj0_jQc video and sung to the tune of The Addam's family

Here's our version of the song...created by Alyssa, Adam, and Andrew

Our neighbors think we’re silly
They think we are hillbillies
We want to get a filly
A home school family

We’re dedicated Mormons
We drive a white Suburban
We’re really not that urban
A home school family

We learn about our nation
And Christian education
Some people say we’re brazen
A home school family

(goats)
(notes)
(boats)


We have our own string trio
The violin and cello
Learned how to say “amigo”
A home school family

Get breakfast from an udder
Have recess in the pasture
And feed the chickens after
A home school family

The baby is a signer
Our boys are good inventors
Our daughter is a censor
A home school family

my dog

Ever seen a 200 lb dog dreaming? It's pretty funny!

extra care

This was sent to me and I had to post it.

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pre tended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'

Never going back to that doctor. Ever.

HA, another Sadie addict!

Today my husband was whistling while doing the dishes...guess what he was whistling? Sadie the cleaning lady!
He was very embarrassed when I caught him and told him what song it was.

A funny comic

Sorry so tiny...click on the picture to make it bigger. I don't know why I couldn't get it large on this post.

It says, " I asked my parents if I could be homeschooled-like Whoopi Goldberg, Gloria Steinem and Jennifer Love Hewitt. Y'Know, Learn at my pace in my space

Yeah, and?

They said I'd miss the benefits of social interaction

There are benefits?

So they say

Things you don't say to your wife

My favorite Bible verse

beware of the homeschoolers

Not so funny as others but worthy of a short post...
Beware of the homeschoolers